a moral story

sunday, the last one in november. and for a moment there, when i opened my eyes and squinted out the window, i could swear there was sun. but after a moment my eyes woke up and thought they heard Jim Furlong narrating my morning rise; everything has that gray tint, a hue over it, like an NTV archive film reel. my left eye asked what the little good news would be today, and my right said "fuck off." not sure if they're speaking now.

i'll keep ya posted...

Q

i wish i could have sex for sex's sake and not for any kind of emotional thing. but alas, i am not human... or at least i'm not like any other gay man in this city. fuck sakes.

today i'm canceling all my gay accounts (gay.com, manhunt, findfred, plenty of fish, what else am i signed up on?). i got these a while ago, and have only used them a handful of times. and i'm sick of guys only wanting the one thing: dick.

i as told by a friend recently that i am the perfect age; i can fuck young fags and older ones too. but i don't want to...

why do i feel so betrayed by the world?

Q

his body was tight. or at least that's how it looked in his pictures. it felt much nicer. a little give in the flesh, bringing up on solid muscle. the hair on his chest, a trail leading to a treasure. beautiful arms, and a killer set of eyes. and a mouth. a wide, deep mouth. warm and wet, with a little metal for texture... and pleasure. got in, got it on, got out; that was a nice thanksgiving.

(for a short guy he had an abnormally large dick... ABNORMALLY large dick.)

Q

so, it's thanksgiving weekend. i suppose now i have to decide what i'm thankful for. truly, i could say anything cliche and people will think it's sweet: "i'm thankful for my friends and family" he says, "that's so sweet. i'm thankful for that stuff too!" she replies. what am i really thankful for?

i'm thankful that... it FINALLY hit me that there is no chance in hell of the ex and i having sex again. but is that really something to be thankful of? for? to? whatever...

i love giving thanks. i do. but right now, i'm not feeling thankful. call me selfish, call me unfeeling, call me on the phone and tell me to fuck off, i don't care. thanks giving isn't a real holiday anyway. i mean, why do different places celebrate it at different times? it's not like one of the pilgrims was jesus or anything...

ok, so now that that rant is done, here we go:

friends
family
food
faith
courage
music
creativity
the trees in the woods
the air we breathe
the treasures we find on adventures we take
voice-mail
peace
silence...

i guess that's it. nothing personal. just like me!

Q

i don't even know why i hit the post button. i have nothing really to say. nothing, except that i feel so beaten and betrayed by the world. who knew that a simple lunch could turn into an emotional fuckery.

grrr...

i mean, is this really how i'm suppose to be feeling? is it feeling? fuck; if this it what it feels to be happy, please let me be depressed again, cause at least that way i know i'm feeling something... or maybe i am, i just don't want to admit it....

well. that was a waste of an update.

Q

the first day of autumn. :)

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so...

last day of summer...

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there are bottles coating my table and counter tops. there are chip's bits sticking to the side of my little bowls. there is beer (possibly rum) on my billy joel cds...

end of season!

xo

Q

maybe this is why i love live theatre: it's alive.

i saw the most amazing thing today. i saw a bay bulls beauty save the fuckin' day!

courageous.

inspiring.

Q

so i started smoking again - it's been a stressful two weeks! it just kind of happened at a bbq i went to two weeks ago. a dog walking adventure turned into a great discussion. a great realization really.

"do i have to change who i am to get to know you?"

joni mitchell now has glass while she hangs out on the wall above the artist's purchase, even higher than everything else.

i love my friends.

Q

so there is a difference between saying it's over and it ending.

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i think i'm feeling guilt. or something like it. i mean, i have nothing really to be guilty of. guilt assumes regret, and i am madonna ("absolutely no regrets").

i had some great brainstorms this evening. i'm excited and terrified by the next phase of everything. canada council application is coming along nicely. nlac haven't really looked at. i'm trying to apply for something different, but i don't think i can spread myself like that. i have two gigs lined up for the fall/winter. and then there's QuARTZ...

QuARTZ:a multi-disciplinary arts festival. art by queers (and their friends!) for everyone. september 2010. st. john's, nl.

Q

so...

it's early morning. i'm tired. i have a full day ahead of me. and i have a lot on my mind.

i think the dog is sick. or tired. or lonely. or something. i don't know. i can tell something is up with him. he's not the same as he used to be. maybe he's waiting for his Boy to get back...

Q

i think i'm what some may call a "cock tease."

Q

oh what a night.

so tired... so very very tired. where was my head at?

Q

it's not the going or the being there that gets to me, it's the leaving. knowing that i will see someone or that some many know me from a previous time. just fucked up.

i don't know... i'm high and waiting for mary brown's.

big mary!

Q

in the book of daddy there is no death, only birth: we are nothing but tears, bones, and desire...

god, i love "Six Feet Under!"

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sometimes i think having three jobs is fucked.

hahaha.

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i capsized a canoe this weekend because i was way too excited to be on the lake. over to the right, grabbed my companion and held her up, and lost m glasses at the bottom of the "incident" site. i have back-up glasses, so that's good, and this summer i now have a mission to go snorkeling and try to find them.

such an amazing morning this morning! the lake was like glass. the sun reflecting in these spectacular colours - even though i couldn't really see it, i think i saw too much.

Q

whatever happened to fiona apple? she used to do music, but now she doesn't do music anymore? whatever happened to her...?

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